The Conserver's Blog

Get a Reality Check

theconserver — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:08:06 +0000

…Life got you down? Think your life is tough? Take a ride on the city bus! If that doesn’t give you the attitude adjustment you need, smoke a bowl and take another ride. If that doesn’t work, you are fucked.

I recently had car trouble (my friends have told me it’s a lemon but I refused to listen). However, you know its time to let your car go when the tow truck driver recognizes you! DAMN! And did you know that there is a cap on how many AAA towings you can have per year? Of course not! Why would you know that?! Unless, of course, you’ve had first hand experience.

I no longer have any tows left with AAA…all gone…all six of them…since April. So the latest? I have not had a vehicle for 9 days. Friday afternoon my beautiful little VW GTI broke down once again on the expressway. I quickly took a hit from my onie before calling AAA and laughed at the crazed drivers whizzing past me on their cell phones, flipping me off as if I purposely chose to stop there. I was high which probably helped me be happy that I was not “that guy”. The tow truck shows up and we haul my car to the mechanic. I ride the city bus home… my buzz is wearing off so the fun is not so much.

Saturday morning, my mechanic runs some tests but can’t find anything wrong. “Lets just hope it doesn’t happen again…” No shit! So I take off. 30 minutes later, I’m at the side of the rode waiting for AAA again! Thank God I have my one hitter and I take a token hit before making the call. It starts to rain and I laugh cuz I’m high. “Perfect…I’m high on the side of the road again…should be a song.” I call my mechanic, the shop is now closed but we tow it there anyways… It is pouring rain as the tow truck drops off the VW and me. I lock up the car, and wait for the bus 20 fucking minutes…I get on…drenched, in a “what(the fuck)ever” frame of mind. The vision of my metal hitter is my only comfort…

Monday and Tuesday morning I get my ass up at 5:00 to make sure I will not miss the bus. No problems. Wednesday morning, I wake and bake and begin my hour bike ride to work. The most difficult part of the ride was not the traffic, the fumes nor the amount of time it took. It was the wind and the invisible 5% pitch toward the city! It was so windy that I appeared to have never been on a bike in my life…swerving, gripping my handle bars for dear life, feverishly peddling and seemingly getting nowhere. I finish work and get back on the beast…2 1/2 hours total by the time I had done my errands. Good for the environment…good my ass.

Thursday morning I drag my aching bum out of bed and get high before I catch the bus. I miss it by 10 seconds, DOH! I wait for another 15 minutes.

Thursday afternoon, I show up at the mechanics to clean my car. She is being towed (ah, yeah…this one’s on me) to the dealership and I want her to look her absolute best. Two hours later, the car is spotless…not a speck of dog hair, the wheels are glowing and she looked amazing…I, on the other hand, looked discheveled, dirty and disgusting. As I head to the bus stop carrying my stuffed paper bag of meaningless carshit, I decide to go into the corner dive for a drink. I sit down and within a few minutes I make friends with four amazing people who were in town for their 48 year old cousins’ funeral. They admit that they were unsure and unable to “read” me at first…was I a bag lady with nice hair? A transient in dirty fleece with great dental hygiene? We get tanked. Three hours later I get my sorry ass on the bus…looking dirty, smelling drunk and carrying my paper bag of shit. The only missing is a high attitude. Perfect.

Friday, I bike to work again. The brutal honesty of the bus was almost too overbearing and I’ve had a solid week of reality checks. The first client sits in my chair and complains about her mini cooper getting smashed and having to drop her children off to school in her Porsche….bummer! My second client is obsessively wondering what native plants she wants in their 3 acre field behind their new $250,000 home. My last client laments about what shoes to wear to her cousins’ wedding at the Country Club. I leave my bike at work, go outside and hit the onie and take the bus home, I want to see a part of the real world…I need another reality check.

The Higher Mileage Road Trip Club

theconserver — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:17:07 +0000

Hey everybody! I’m the the Conserver! You know…the one hit wonder! And today I’m gonna share with you and all your homeys sure fire ways to save your stash on long trips! That’s right! Kinda like “The Mile High Club” only better cuz we’re stoners! We could call it ”The High Miles Club” or maybe ”The HIGHER Mileage Club”! I’ve got it! The HIGHER Mileage Road Trip Club” because it has TWO meanings…we’re high while driving long ass miles and, most importantly, we are getting more highs for the miles!

So the question is? Do you really know how much you smoke a day? Really?! That’s imperative knowledge for road trippers because you need to ration your shit out! For instance, lets’ say the road trip is one week long with camping. You and your buds are heading to Joshua Tree. You need to analyze your supply and figure out precisely how much to bring. The Conserver knows EXACTLY how much she smokes a day…she has a pill box with capital letters for every day of the week with a tiny piece of nug for each day! And don’t bring all of your goods for God’s sake…you’ll be thankful you have that last bowl when you get home! Trust me, there’s nothing better than the “home at last” high after a Higher Mileage road trip!

And thank Jebus for those last four rest stops on your way home….where you sneak off with the one hitter and take a hit in the bathroom before heading back to your sober stoneys! Hey, no one was twisting their arms when they were rolling blunts on day 1, smoking bowl after bowl at the campfire…and scrapping resins by day 6! You tried to warn them and they just laughed off your neurosis. Look who’s laughing now! You are! Cuz you’re stoned!

So, remember on your next road trip, become a member of The Higher Mileage Club and conserve, conserve, conserve! That way, you won’t be the homey hatin’ on the homey who has the last hit on road marker 420!

See ya soon!

www.thestonezoneshow.com

Supporting the “Highpot-thesis”

theconserver — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:41:40 +0000

Hey everybody! I’m the Conserver! You know, the one hit wonder! And today I’m gonna do youa favor and shed some statistical advice on smoking up! I’m gonna give you some great tips on how to keep your sack fat and your facts backed!

Recent studies have shown that once THC is in your system, you only need a little bit to regain that amazing sensation of being HIGH! That’s right! And that’s the best information the Conserver has ever heard! So much for making brownies, hitting 3 foot bongs and rolling blunts so big they resemble a long turd after an herbal cleanse!!! (Unless you’ve never done a cleanse…then just imagine a dog steamer…) I don’t know who these “experts” are but they must be fans of the Conserver…who else but me is gonna tell you that just one hit works wondersto bring about the stony goodness and there’s no need to puff your shit away? You need to conserve and make us experts proud!

I just wanna know who was in their test group? Was it a fellow Conserver, who when asked to compare the high of smoking a joint to the high of a single hit from the metal one hitter, began to cry? Or what if it was truly a stonier McStoner? You know, the homey who thinks the only way to get high is to smoke all of his shit and yours ? Or what if it was some random dude they found at the local nursing home?…not the old guy with dementia…but the candy striper who is wiping his ass and stealing his jello! How did they conduct the study? “Come get high with us…we drug test everybody…”? All I know is I wanna be a part of that control group…and help support their “highpot-thesis”. In any case, we now have official facts to support the Conserver’s cause! The when your homey tells you its time to pull out your papers, reach for your metal one hitter instead! It’s scientific stoner wisdom!

So until next week don’t be hatin’ on the homey who believes in the ”experts” and has the last bowl at the end of the week to prove it! Cuz that’s me and I’m the Conserver!

www.thestonezoneshow.com

E.D.

theconserver — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:25:06 +0000

E.D.

I was cutting a local celebs’ hair the other day and we got into a discussion about how our city doesn’t really support alot of its top talents and when he goes to places like New York and Japan, he is asked for autographs all the time. Sitting next to us was my partners’ client (we’ll call her Dr. Bonnie) who was processing her color. After I finished, my client stood up and Dr. Bonnie goes,”Oh please, wait a minute” and starts to dig in her purse. After a good 45 seconds of digging she says,”My son is a huge fan and I am just hoping I can find that pen.” With that I looked at my client and smiled…”Awe…she wants an autograph…”

She locates the pen and instead of asking for an autograph, she hands it to him and says “I love your music and you have really contributed to the music scene. I want you to have this…”

And with that she hands him an ED pen…an erectile dysfunction Valtrax pen, which when pressed just right, simulates getting an erection. And it wouldn’t work! My client (who I think is shocked) said thanks and then kindly replied, “I’ll give this to my wife.” Which made me start to laugh..I mean, can you SAY that with an ED pen in hand?! Anyway, he finally got the damn thing to go up!

I am quite sure this is a first for him…

Happily Ever After

theconserver — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:23:01 +0000

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry
me?” The girl said, “NO!” And the girl lived happily
ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank
martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
had sex with whomever she pleased… did whatever the
hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat,
traveled more, had many boyfriends, didn’t save money,
and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the
theatre, never watched football, never wore fricken
lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self
esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked
fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted
all the time.

THE END

Wetting Willy (and keeping the love alive)

theconserver — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:55:19 +0000

Hey everybody…I’m the Conserver!…You know…the One Hit Wonder! And today I’m gonna teach you Conservation 101! That’s right! I’m gonna share with you and allyour home boys sure fire ways to conserve on the sweet sweet cheeba and thus conserve on the important greens…your money!

OK! Let’s say you’re in a pickle…the bud’s knowyou have the nug and it’s about time you pull a party “favor”. (I like to call this the “Fluff and Fill”)… You’re gonna pull out the smallest, tightest nug you can find and cut that shit up into a million little pieces. You’re gonna break that nug into so many pieces it’s gonna bloom like new love…and it’s gonna look a full ass bowl! So full your homey’s are going to think, “Damn! What the hell?! He’s actually gonna change his stingy ass ways?!” Then that bowl’s gonna burn out…literally that fast, as fast as the stoney thought, which will most likely be forgotten cuz we’re all truly stoney stoners. And then guess what time it is?….it’s time for someone else to pull out their nug and you’ve done the deed and you’re off the hook! Hopefully for another day, a week or until someone’s birthday party!

Another great tip to keep that fluffed up nug a float is to wet it down! That’s right! I don’t care if you have to salivate all over your fingertip and press it down into the pot or straight up lick the bowl, you want that weed to be WET! If your friends are turned off…so what! Who cares! Is there really any difference between sharing a bowl or sparking up someone else’s spit?! Probably not! And I for one am surely not gonna force anyone who’s offended by my bodily secretions to smoke the weed, that, my friends, is a personal issue…

Just remember! Preserve, moisture, conserve!

So until next week don’t hating on the homey who knows how to cut his shit right and can spit like Chuck Norris…cuz that’s me…and I’m the Conserver!

www.thestonezoneshow.com

Uranus

theconserver — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:26:05 +0000

I was applying hair coloring on my first client today and suddenly got this whiff of pure ass shit. At first I thought it could be me…maybe I had funky fingers from the joint I smoked right before work. Or I thought maybe she had skipped the shower this morning…no biggy, but DAMN! Second client comes in. She had shattered her righthand wrist and it was set in a cast with like 100 pins. Her friend had recently broke both of her wrists and we got on the topic of who would wipe our asses if that ever happened to us…

A few minutes later I notice another surge of shit stench and start to wonder if she is having difficulty wiping her own ass! Throughout the entire appointment, I kept smelling shit and it was really freaking me out. When she was getting ready to leave I gave her a big bear hug around the neck and that’s when I could really smell it! Whoa Baby!! She leaves. I’m kinda of freaked out…somebody needs to tell her!

Third client comes in. I mix her color and start the highlight when my nose begins to itch. Unable to use my digits, I had to use my upper wrist to rub my nose. That’s when I noticed that the smell of shit was coming from MY forearm! DAMN! As I was saying ba-bye to my pup this morning, I must have brushed up against something that she rubbed in or something that was coming directly from her f’n anus! All dog owners know that smell…it’s a cross between roadkill, grass and sour cream. Or the smell of their breath after gromming a clogged anal gland…

In any case, I learned an important lesson…don’t judge the smell of others until you’re positive it’s not you.

www.thestonezoneshow.com

Resin Bunk Funk

theconserver — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:51:50 +0000

Hey der everybody! I’m the Conserver…you know, the one hit wonder! And today I’ve come to sit in the circle and share some sound advice on sparing the buds cuz I’m kind that way…that’s right! I’m gonna teach you Conservation 101! I’m gonna share with you and all the discreet conservers worldwide some sure fire ways to save the hooch and fatten the pooch!

Ok…now here’s a great way to stay super stoney and conserve on your smokey smokey! Listen…the next time you’re off to a party, secretly smoke by yourself before hooking up with the homeys and make sure to leave your buds at home! BUT most importantly, when you do arrive and your homeys are hitting the nug…SMOKE UP Johnny! That’s right! When that bowl is passed your way, smoke up!!! It don’t matter how high you are already…never and I mean NEVER pass up the opportunity to smoke the weed! It’s a conserver’s responsibility to keep those THC levels HIGH!

And now, not everybody’s gonna agree with me, but I think that once a week it is imperative that you give your bag of weed a rest and hit some of the nasty ass resin…you know…that black sticky icky that comes outta the end of your metal one hitter? That stinky turtle turd is chuck FULL of smokey goodness!!! Just make sure to have a tissue ready (and some Dentine Ice) just in case you get a good tongue coating of black resin! (Even I hate that taste!) Have a wet wipe on hand as well…that stinky poo can ooze everywhere! Wiping it on the back of your jeans is a BAD idea and nothing is worse than smelling like bunk funk while you’re out in public trying to act like you’re not stoned. I know! Once I wiped it on the bottom of my car seat and the shit made my car smell so bad even my dogs refused a ride! For weeks!

But a conserver’s gotta do what he’s gotta do! Just make sure to manage the stinky goo…

Remember…conserve, conserve, conserve!

So until next week, don’t be hatin on the homey who has the last bowl at the end of the week and a truffle turd in her one hitter. Cuz that’s ME! and I’m the Conserver!

See ya soon!

And if you love the laughter like me, check out the Stone Zone Show… www.thestonezoneshow.com Oh yeah!!!

It’s Good to be Blown…

theconserver — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:36:38 +0000

Hey everybody! I’m the Conserver! You know…the one hit wonder! And today I’m gonna teach you Conservation 101! That’s right! I’m gonna share with you and all the peeps who enjoy the treats, sure fire ways to save the chillums and still get your chill on.

OK…everyone knows I’m a big fan of smokin’ the ganoobies (that’s my new favorite term)! But what if you have one bowl left (and it’s yours of course cuz you’re the conserver) and there’s four in the circle?! OH NO! The Conserver thought long and hard on this one and the only thing I can think of is what they call the “blow back, or passing seconds”. Hell, I don’t care what it’s called, but I do know this method works! The most important thing to remember is it’s good to get blown, but you’ve GOTTA be the blower! What if your homeys ate a gyro last night with extra onions!? What if they think ”flossing” is buying a cool new shirt and wearing it to the mall? If you can smell their resinated bunk breath from afar (as in a foot or two)…you’ve got problems! You don’t need to inhale any of that stank nasty along with the good ass ganooby. Say something like, “Hey! This last bowl is mine, I go first!” Or “he that brings the last bowl of the mean gets to green”. Then take that hit…hold it in long and hard and whatever remains you puff to your bud. I suggest using a toilet paper roll, a short garden hose, or if you HAVE to you can even us your hands! Then bow out gracefully and let your funk breathed homeys take it from there…you don’t need two hits…be a one hit quitter! Like me!

So until next week, don’t be hatin’ on the lightweight homey with good dental hygiene, common sense and breath that smells like tulips…cuz that’s me! And I’m the Conserver!

Like to laugh? thestonezoneshow.com It cures the blurs…

CONSERVATION 101 “Scent-sational”

theconserver — Mon, 11 May 2009 04:00:59 +0000

Hey everybody! I’m the Conserver…you know…the one hit wonder! And this week I’m here to do you a favor! I’m gonna teach you Conservation 101! Im gonna share with you and all the conscientious conservers on this continent sure fire ways to save the Mary Jane and keep the homeys off the scent of your kind nug!

OK….now, not everyone’s gonna agree with me on this but the best way to keep the snitchin’ snoopers in your life from sniffin’ out the kind, you’ve gots ta hide the nug! That’s right! You gotta keep moving that shit from place to place so it’s never discovered. For instance…you hide it between your mattresses today and move it to a stinky boot tomorrow. Or you shove it behind a plant in the morning and by night fall it’s stashed up above the fridge in your grand dad’s ice bucket! Just make sure not to forget where you put it…that can lead to hours of exasperation! I know…it happens to me ALL the time!!!

And also, if you do suspect someone’s snitching from your stash…set a trap!!! Put a bag of your bunk ass skunk weed in a secret spot, place a hair or piece of lint on top and wait for the culprit. If that shit’s been tampered with, you’re gonna know! But don’t accuse anyone of anything! Just move that shit to another spot (maybe sprinkled with a dash of pubic hair…it’s not your fault if they’re greedy…I like to call it retributive justice). Remember, it’s your responsibility as a conserver to make sure your nug is never discovered! And if that kind nug is so stinky you can smell it from afar which makes it difficult to conceal, you need to double bag it and put it where no one is gonna wanna look!…like in a box of x-lax or tampons! Last thing you need is for those pesky, stoney homeys to sniff out your bud…put it somewhere that will scare the shit out of them…literally!

Just remember, conserve, conserve, conserve!

So until we meet again, don’t be hatin’ on the homey who has the last bowl of the best bud (sans pubies) at the end of the week…cuz that’s me…and I’m the Conserver!

See ya soon!

And if you really really like the Conserver, come listen to me weekly at http://www.thestonezoneshow.com

Be there and laugh.